How NASTY Got His Groove Back Early Friday morn...

How NASTY Got His Groove Back


Early Friday morning I lost my Groove.


I was dancing on a table at Crobar, drinking from a bottle of Veuve when I first noticed that my Groove was missing.


Everything was going well. The DJ was playing "Hey Ya." I was really getting into the call and response bit:


"Hey fellas, what's cooler than

My Memoir It should be mentioned early on that ...

My Memoir


It should be mentioned early on that I have memories of my conception, on a warm and floral evening in 1978. My parents lived at that time (and continue to reside) in Chappaqua, New York, a small town in Westchester county. These were the years before Clinton moved to town, before the SUV’s arrived, and before the many housewives of Chappaqua had

The Poetry of My Former Assistant Flora Fanatucci ...

The Poetry of My Former Assistant Flora Fanatucci


Requiem For Lost Love


Ben broke up with J. Lo-

Ask me if I care!

I don't care.


Turkey Burgers


Some people love them.

And eat them.

All the time.


Where is Gary?


Gary is
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P-Diddy, Meet D-Nasty It seems that both hyphen...

P-Diddy, Meet D-Nasty


It seems that both hyphenated personae were planning dinner last night at Bond Street.


Nasty arrived before Diddy, and wrongly assumed that the five pimped out Escalades patrolling the street were security for a very tacky third world dignitary, or perhaps escapees from a bling-bling convention somewhere in New Jersey.

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D-NASTY Obtains An Advance Copy of The Speech That...

D-NASTY Obtains An Advance Copy of The Speech That Howard Dean Will Deliver After Losing The New Hampshire Primary


From: Dean Campaign Committee

Re: CONFIDENTIAL

Subject: New Hampshire Speech


Text:


To be delivered in the same voice as the Iowa speech. Governor Dean will be wearing his of magenta lycra briefs, a turqoise

Brother Hugh Piles of mist would roll off of th...

Brother Hugh


Piles of mist would roll off of the lake and overtake the clouds of the nicotine and tar which came from our lungs and out our mouths in small rings which grew wider and wider until they tore themselves apart in the cold autumn air.


The monks were charged by our school and our God with ridding from our developing characters even the most

Rocco's Girl By D-Nasty In A Houndstooth Jacket...

Rocco's Girl


By D-Nasty In A Houndstooth Jacket


I held Sylvie in my arms and watched her pendulous breasts sway back and forth with the currents of the waterbed, which rolled in the fallout of our passion. Exhausted, we basked in the last joules of the powerful energy spawned deep within our twin libidos and cast outward through our heaving loins so that

A Haiku For My Future, Mad Cow Diseased Self Oh...

A Haiku For My Future, Mad Cow Diseased Self


Oh please forgive me.

The filet was delicious!

So rich and juicy.

At Au Bar With My Mexican Friend We met two cha...

At Au Bar With My Mexican Friend


We met two charming women from the Dominican Republic. One was a forty-year old mother of three. The other was a thirty-five year old divorcee. D-NASTY enjoys an unblemished track record with Latin American divorcees. My collegiate charm and vulnerability must contrast favorably with the rigid machismo of the men who they are used

Go Duke! From My Old Fraternity's E-mail List: ...

Go Duke!


From My Old Fraternity's E-mail List:


"Anyone looking for an easy math class, take compsci 196 technology in film

with robert duvall. It meets once a week on wednesday from 7-9:30 pm and all

we do is watch movies and discuss them, he even provides popcorn and soda...

There is no math material in the class whatsoever and as

Ooh Baby, I Want To Pull You Into My Narrative! ...

Ooh Baby, I Want To Pull You Into My Narrative!


I bet you'd like that wouldn't you? I bet you'd like it if I started you out just as some passing character in a drugstore, or maybe in a tanning booth just next to the one occupied by my first person voice, and then just slowly worked you into the development of that first person voice.


Pretty soon you and

A Poem For My First Love I can still taste your...

A Poem For My First Love


I can still taste your name upon my own soft tongue

Which was so often stuck in your braces...

Where are you now, soft, first, pubescent love?

Where have you gone, angel of my adolescence?

Carefree gum chewing shopaholic maniac!

Who did quit the JV field hockey team,

Because all the girls were

The Last Samurai MassiveBank leases a few floor...

The Last Samurai


MassiveBank leases a few floors to KabukiBank, the Japanese financial services conglomerate. Over the last few months I have befriended Hiroshi Takano, a Managing Director at KabukiBank. This morning we shared an elevator.


"Mr. Takano, I saw 'The Last Samurai' this weekend."


As is the case during so many of our

My Mexican Friend Gets A Job At Lippman Brothers a...

My Mexican Friend Gets A Job At Lippman Brothers and Plans For Retirement


My Mexican friend was recently hired by a rival of MassiveBank, the highly esteemed firm of Lippman Brothers.


For weeks, he tortured himself over the 401k.


"What is this 401k? Should I do this 401k? Is it very good to do this 401k?"


The complexities

Friday Is Pizza Lunch At MassiveBank Someone in...

Friday Is Pizza Lunch At MassiveBank


Someone invariably drinks a Snapple, and NASTY's entire Investment Banking group amuses itself by trying to answer the trivia questions written on the bottom of the caps.


"Besides humans, what is the only species in which each animal has unique finger prints?"


D-NASTY all up in this mutha!

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I Interview My Former Assistant Flora Fanatucci On...

I Interview My Former Assistant Flora Fanatucci On 'Hey Ya' By Outkast


I was grinding with a Peruvian divorcee at Suite 16 the other weekend when the DJ played "Hey Ya!"


Her firm thighs danced within my own with a strange energy. There was a glimmer of passion in her eyes. I began to suspect that she was falling in love.


To be sure, two

Hey Starbucks: Fuck You! Mocchagrandeventilatte...

Hey Starbucks: Fuck You!


Mocchagrandeventilattecinnomacchiattolololalachaitazosumatratallcaramellofrappasuckmymuthaf'inNASTY!!!


I'd sooner drink curdled milk from the herpes tipped udder of a Mad Cow than fall in line with your fascist javaspeak.


NASTY

My Former Assistant Flora Fanatucci Has A New Runn...

My Former Assistant Flora Fanatucci Has A New Running Suit


It would seem that, in Santa's eyes, doing absolutely nothing while accumulating hundreds of thousands of dollars in MassiveBank stock options constitutes a laudable year; Flora Fanatucci got a new running suit for Christmas.


It is turqoise with a Navajo print, made entirely of fleece. The laws

Lauren Weisberger Write Pretty One Day A longti...

Lauren Weisberger Write Pretty One Day


A longtime American Express cardholder, D-NASTY was thrilled to receive the January-February issue of Departures Magazine. In one of the feature stories, "Devil Wears Prada" autrice Lauren Weisberger struggles with grammar, syntax, and her own intellect in an attempt

Nasty Mountain If you are typing, stop typing. ...

Nasty Mountain


If you are typing, stop typing. If you are trading, stop trading. If you are I-Banking, stop I-Banking. Come back to me. Come back to Nasty Mountain.


Inman first saw Ada Monroe at Suite 16 during the Red Party for Fashion Week. He was there to pick up models, but noticed her grinding with a hedge fund manager. He had been at his table